The Inopportune News
Down and out in Colorado and around the country
Bell Policy Center
1801 Broadway, Suite 280
Denver, Colo. 80202
(303) 297-0456 in metro Denver
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www.thebell.org
April 1, 2006
Vol. 4, No. 4 1/2
| In this issue:
- Bell Policy Center finds the poor lack money
- “Zero Percent Solution” drills down state education funding
- COF may sputter out, new tuition distribution methods eyed
- Tech introduces ’06 Short Bill
- Hubble’s Orbiter: News, rumors and outright gossip from the political realm
- Fiscal Flirtations dating service targets budget wonks
- Pols Air providing campaign essential: the skydive
- Bell Policy Center announces 10th Gateway, “Swift and Painless Death”
- Senryu Korner
- Today's SUDOKU
For a printer-friendly version of this newsletter, click here. |
This special edition of The Inopportune News was compiled by the policy and research staff at the
Bell and a few other hangers-on loitering on 18th Street. If you have feedback on the items in this newsletter, suggestions
for links to other research or just want to comment on the issues
presented, please e-mail Rich Jones, director of policy and research,
at jones@thebell.org.
Learn more about the Cycle of Opportunity at www.thebell.org. To unsubscribe, contact Rick Sullivan at sullivan@thebell.org or 303.297.0456. Feel free to forward this e-newsletter to friends.
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Bell Policy Center staff
Wade Buchanan (aka Wayne Buckman): President for Life
Rich Jones: Most Very Signor Wonk
Robin Baker: Bleeding Heart Liberal
Frank Waterous: Senior Education Guy
Dan Spivey: Most Likely to Succeed
Adrian Miller: Arbiter of Sensitivity
Laurie Hirschfeld Zeller: Ms. Ref C 2006
Heather McGregor: Arbiter of Good Taste
Mollie Cross Leone: Mistress of Malaprops
Elaine Rumler: Director of the I-9
Rick Sullivan: I M TABOR
Today's top story
The Bell Policy Center finds the poor lack money
By Cayenne Darman
Senior Question-asker
Most low-income working families in Colorado do not have much money,
according to a 50-page issue brief released today by the Bell Policy
Center. Using U.S. Census Bureau data and in-depth interviews, the
report Rubbing Nickels Together, concludes that the overwhelming
majority of poor families lack assets such as cash, savings, retirement
accounts and equity in real estate.
“After conducting a series of interviews, hosting focus groups and
sponsoring a telephone survey, we found that many poor families hardly
have any cash at all,” said Rich Jones, Bell’s Very Most Signor Wonk.
“We think this phenomenon is related to the fact that they work in jobs
that do not pay very well.”
Bell’s findings for Colorado are consistent with national data. The
Center on Budget Studies in Washington, D.C., reported in December 2005
that nationwide, those classified as poor under federal government
standards had little to no money.
“I am not sure about Colorado,” said CBS director Lefty Smith. “But
nationally, working for low wages is a major contributor to lack of
money among the poor.”
In response to Bell’s study findings, Ed Cash of the National
Enterprise and Business Institute recommended that the poor cash in
some of their CDs or sell off stock to raise funds.
“I know they may be holding out for the next leg up on the bull market.
But hey, if you need to raise cash, you sometimes have to sell early.”
He also suggested selling unwanted household items on eBay.
Education News
“Zero Percent Solution” drills down state education funding to nothing
By Zeke Spivens
Senior Education Guy
A new group called No Class Education (NCE) has announced its plans to
introduce another education-related initiative for November’s ballot.
The group’s “Zero Percent Solution” would amend the Colorado
constitution to ban any state spending for public education.
“We believe this is the only way to ensure that all school districts
spend exactly the same number of state dollars on important school
activities and services, while still preserving the time-honored state
tradition of local control,” said J.T. Ripper, president of NCE.
Ripper noted that NCE decided to go the initiative route because “the
Zero Percent Solution is just too important an idea to be left to our
elected representatives to decide. Let the people’s voices be heard.”
Although the vast majority of state and local education officials
oppose NCE’s initiative, Ripper said that he has received strong
support from anarchist and Libertarian organizations.
He suggested that
the proposal would require a strong coalition effort, but acknowledged
“it may be a tough group to organize.”
COF may sputter out, new tuition distribution methods eyed
By Zeke Spivens
Senior Education Guy
In a surprise announcement Thursday, the Colorado Omission of Higher
Education (COHE), in consultation with the state’s higher education
institutions, proposed eliminating the College Opportunity Fund (COF)
stipend.
Based on opinions from focus groups, the agency decided that
COF “is just too darn complicated for anyone to understand,” said COHE
spokesman Don O’Rickell.
Several alternatives to the COF program are being studied as potential
replacements. The leading model is a “cash-grab giveaway” at the state
Capitol, during which large quantities of small-denomination bills
would be released from the Gold Dome. Students assembled at the steps
of the building could catch as much cash as they can.
“We liked this model because the students who want it the most will get the most,” said a focus group member.
College administrators prefer another alternative, however.
Under the
“campus fly-over” model, vouchers redeemable for cash at any college
bursar’s office would be dropped over every participating campus in the
state by small charter aircraft.
Several higher education officials
said that they preferred this model because it would not limit the
funding only to students, but would allow college faculty and staff to
receive some of the proceeds, as well.
Initial reaction at the Legislature was mixed. Those opposed to the
alternatives pointed out that neither model could ensure that state
money would not go to undocumented immigrants.
Regardless of what alternative is eventually
chosen, O’Rickell noted that a name for the new program has already
been selected.
“Instead of COF, we’ve decided to call it GASP, for Government
Assistance to Student Populations,” he said. “When you’ve got a winning
theme, why not stick with it?”
News from Capitol Hill
Tech introduces ’06 Short Bill
Tallest legislator wants everything cut down to size
By Clarke Mouch
Capitol Hill Scribe
With modest fanfare, Sen. Tall Tech, R-Grand Junction, launched the annual Short Bill in the state Legislature on Thursday.
“Sen. Tech’s bill offers a breath of fresh air and will bring a wave of
prosperity to Colorado residents,” said Senate President Joan
One-Size-Fitz-All.
The Short Bill serves as the companion legislation to the Long Bill,
the state’s massive budgeting measure for the coming fiscal year. The
Short Bill attempts to balance the ponderous length and weight of the
Long Bill with directives that abbreviate other activities in Colorado.
Senate Bill 06-301 includes these provisions, which take effect the day after passage of the bill:
-
Men must wear bow ties rather than long ties, and women must wear
crop pants instead of trousers. Short skirts are okay too, Tech noted.
-
Speeches offered in all places of government are limited to five minutes.
-
Newspaper, web and magazine articles are limited to 10 inches or 500 words, whichever is shorter.
-
Libraries are required to offer short lists of short books that get to the point straight away.
-
Community colleges are required to provide training for the position of shortstop.
-
State government must jettison the troubled CBMS computer system,
replacing it with a shortwave radio system linking social services
workers.
-
May 1 is declared “Shorts Day”
Hubble’s Orbiter
News, rumors and outright gossip from the political realm
By Pajama bin Lartels
Rumor Patrol Analyst
Tiny Norwood, Colo., in out-of-the-way San Miguel County, is all
a-flutter with the rumor that John Hickenlooper whispered his “possible
interest” in running for town dog-catcher this November. Bill Smith,
who announced his candidacy for the post in March 2003, said, “I’ll
stay in the race either way..."
Speaking of skydivers, former state Sen. John Andrews says he plans a
free-fall “once the weather warms up” to demonstrate what Colorado is
in for now that Ref. C has passed. Don’t forget to pull the cord, John...
Former Gov. Roy Romer, fresh off his latest job running the schools in
L.A., says he will run for the Holly R-3 School Board. “It’s time to
get back to my roots,” he said...
Colorado’s former first ladies, Dottie
Lamm and Bea Romer, are setting another place at the table for Frances
Owens. The FFL plan to concentrate their efforts lobbying with FFLs
from other states for passage of the proposed No Child Without an iPod
federal legislation.
Some tidbits in the race for governor …
Bill Ritter was spotted at last
week’s “Wheel of Fortune” taping in Denver, cheering as the puzzle
revealed the letters "A F L — C I _".
Ritter’s new image consultant,
Golda Dome, is urging the former DA to buy a brewpub in LoDo and find a
blue bear suit …
Marc Holtzman says efforts to launch an investigation
into his campaign spending are totally bogus. “I used my own money to
buy those elevator shoes,” he said …
And heard on the Mall: “Bob
Beauprez sure made a splash at last Saturday’s immigration rally.”
Word filtered West this week from Collingdale, Penn., where the chamber
of commerce awarded hometown boy Rep. Mike Cerbo, D-Denver, the keys to
the city.
“Of course, these keys don’t fit any actual doors,” said chamber
president Leo Cologna. “And we felt a one-way ticket back to Denver was
the best prize for Mike.”
Will Gov. Bill Owens break his 2005 record of 47 vetoes in 2006, his
final year in office?
“There’s no way I’ll be able to, unless Mike
Cerbo introduces a half-dozen late bills,” the governor said over lunch
Wednesday. “Frankly, I’m dismayed at the lack of veto prospects. It’s
like those Democrats have it in for me.”
Speaking of the governor, we hear he may take a run at a seat on the Moffat Tunnel Commission.
And on the think tank front...
Independence Institute has purchased community access TV stations in
Brighton, Lamar, Delta and Craig to promote Jon Caldara’s “Independent
Blinking” show, boosting the tens of loyal viewers who wouldn’t miss a
Friday night in front of the tube with Jon.
Speaking of Jon’s show, we hear it has taken on a cult following in
Boulder, where students watch in groups, and everyone has to take a
drink each time Jon pulls on his ear.
Meanwhile, officials with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement
raided the office of Bell Policy Center early this week, and many of
the over-40 staff now await deportation to various countries of origin.
ICE raiders spent hours searching for citizenship status papers for the
Bell’s staff, and finally found the folder buried under piles of
out-of-date studies and old newspapers.
“Bell’s office manager, Lila Ginler, simply could not verify or
validate any of these citizenship documents, including her own,” said
ICE spokeswoman Amanda Reckonwith.
“For Pete’s sake, these Social
Security cards were yellowed, tattered and practically unreadable. Some
even had single digit Social Security numbers," Reckonwith said.
ICE agents scheduled the Bell employees for an emergency deportation hearing on Saturday, April 1.
Business News
Fiscal Flirtations online dating service targets budget wonks
By Maven Dillweed
Cyber Writer
Many Americans are seeking their soul mates through online dating
services.
But as Yahoo and Match.Com have grown large and impersonal, many
turn to niche services designed to reach specially targeted
populations.
Singles can sign up for dating websites that cater to
Democrats, Republicans, outdoor enthusiasts and those who like to read.
Aurora resident Adrian Miller unveiled Fiscal Flirtations, a new niche
service aimed at budget wonks, at a news conference Thursday.
“My site will match budget babes and data dudes whose hearts skip a
beat at the mere mention of cash funds exempt and who anxiously await
every quarterly revenue projection released by the OSPB and Legislative
Council,” Miller said.
Two of Colorado’s most eligible bachelors have already signed up.
“I think it is great. They have signed up some real babes,” reported
Douglas Bruce, father of the TABOR
amendment and man about town in Colorado Springs.
“But I’m pretty
picky. I could only date someone who voted against both Refs C and D.
With the right person, I might unwrap my election night surprise.”
“For once, Doug and I agree,” said Andrew Romanoff of Denver, Speaker
of the House.
“I found several hotties who wanted to discuss the
nuances of TABOR’s ratchet effect and intricacies of the school finance
formula. This is definitely my kind of site.”
Romanoff said he’ll be less demanding in finding a match than Bruce.
“I am definitely looking for someone who at least voted for Ref C. I
could forgive them for voting against D. That was the governor’s deal
anyway. Plus, it’s been a long session, if you know what I mean.”
Pols Air expands services at Centennial Airport
Skydive now a campaign essential
By April Foolington
Business Scribe
Pols Air is expanding operations at Centennial Airport to serve the
growing flock of politicians who want to jump out of airplanes to boost
their candidacies.
“Nowadays you really need to jump out of a plane to have any hope of winning,” said Crash Cessna, Pols Air CEO.
“We are booked solid from now through Nov. 6. Holtzman, Beauprez, Ritter, they’ve all scheduled jumps.”
Bob Lowei, political science professor at Colorado College, confirmed that skydiving boosts candidates’ campaigns.
“It used to be candidates relied on party organization, get out the
vote efforts and slick television ads to get elected. Now you are not
considered a serious candidate unless you make at least one jump.”
As further evidence of the importance of skydiving, Republican and
Democrat campaign committees are now offering skydiving along with
media relations and speech-making as part of their candidate prep
schools.
I.C. Abuck, investment analyst with Dewey, Cheatem and Howe, has a
“buy” rating on Pols Air. “Given current trends, every politician
running for office from governor down to the local school board is a
potential customer,” Abuck said.
Cessna founded Pols in 2001 to ferry politicians to fancy golf outings.
But with super lobbyist Jack Abramoff headed for the slammer, Cessna
restructured his business plan to concentrate on political skydivers.
News from Bell Policy Center
Bell announces 10th Gateway
“Swift and Painless Death” closes Cycle of Opportunity
By Flibberty Gibbett
Staff Misspeller
Bell Policy Center will add a 10th gateway to its landmark Cycle of
Opportunity, wishing all Colorado residents a “Swift and Painless
Death.”
“We hope that for everyone, this gateway will arrive at the end of a
long, healthy and successful life,” said Wayne Buckman, president of
Bell.
Buckman acknowledged that including death in the gateways to
opportunity may strike some as odd, depressing or in bad taste. But
research proves a swift and painless death offers many social and
personal benefits.
A study released in January by the Morbidity Research Council, Live
Fast, Die Fast, identified these benefits that support the concept of
a swift and painless death:
-
Avoid medical costs: the MRC study showed that for most people, 30 to
60 percent of their lifetime medical costs come in the final year of
life.
-
Bequeath more wealth: avoiding long hospital and nursing home stays
allows survivors to inherit more of the dying person’s assets.
-
Personal well-being: an absence of suffering will improve the mental health of the dead person.
Buckman said with the successful launch of this new gateway, Bell’s
analysts are now researching two more key points in human development
that link to opportunity: puberty and menopause.
Poetry 'n Puzzles
Senryu Korner
By Mollie Cross Leone
Mistress of Malaprops
Note: Senryu is a humorous version of haiku.
Gleaming highway span…
Gateway to transit mixed use?
No gas in budget.
Ten-lane asphalt bliss.
Ooooooo! Cost overrun! No state match!
Toll road…new best friend.
Asset limits — RAH!
Who needs TANF…IDA’s!
Can you spare a dime?
Long Bill like bright sun.
Epiphany from gold dome.
Shelter line long, too.
Who needs insurance?
ER takes me regardless.
Your premium high?
Let’s ID school kids!
No education for you,
‘cept if you’re born here.
My Achievement Gap
Your autobiography?
You say, “Fries with that?”
Today's SUDOKU
Have your hand with 2006-07 state budgeting!
Difficulty Level: depends on who's twisting your arm!
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